


If Only

by reckless_red



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Blood, Cole centric, Cole is the best, Cole is the leader, Crying, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Just to be safe, Kai centric, Kai is a little cinnamon roll that needs to be loved a protected, Major Character Injury, Near Death Experiences, Not actually too graphic, PTSD, Pain, Panic Attacks, Someone loses a limb just sayin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 06:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reckless_red/pseuds/reckless_red
Summary: If only I wasn't forced to sit here - waiting - not knowing if he was alive.





	If Only

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, this is my first time posting a fanfic on archive! This story was also posted on fanfiction.com but I wanted to expand my horizons, and figured this was a great place to go. Hope you enjoy and please feel free to give any type of feedback! Constructive criticism, suggestions, and positive feedback are all welcomed :D

If only this room wasn't so white. So blank.  
If only there was a hint of color, besides the brown-colored painting on the wall.  
If only there was more than just the blinding white lights above my head.  
If only there was something here to replace the missing spark.

If only I'd gotten more than three hours of sleep in the past two days.  
If only the coffee on the table beside me wasn't cold.  
If only it wasn't cold because I hadn't touched it.  
If only the reason I hadn't touched it was merely because I disliked the taste.  
If only I had no reason to need to drink it in the first place.

If only there were people, filling this room to the brim, or even just a few sitting in nearby chairs.  
If only they were talking, chatting, as if everything was okay.  
If only my own chair wasn't so uncomfortable. (Maybe then I could sleep it all away.)

If only the silence didn't make me feel like I was suffocating.  
If only the tension didn't draw more taught with each tick of the clock.  
If only there was something to fill the void that my chest felt in the uncanny (unusual) silence.  
If only Jay wasn't silent, for once in his chatterbox life.

If only my head wasn't pounding as the images flashed through my head.  
If only there hadn't been so much blood, seeping through my fingers as he bled.  
If only the memory had been of me, swooping into save my brother from the slash of the sword (the sword that had once been his), and succeeding in taking the blow myself.  
If only the enemy hadn't been so strong that day.  
If only I had known we weren't ready to face them.  
If only I had pulled my team out before it was too late.

If only I wasn't waiting here now, sitting here (in blank silence) until I heard the news.

If only his cry wasn't embedded in my mind, as the jagged golden sword slashed through his right arm, severing the bone just above the elbow.  
If only I had been there when he dropped to the ground, holding him in my arms and telling him it would be alright.  
If only I had been there for the second swing of the weapon, the one that was even more deadly than the first.  
If only I had stopped the sharp point from entering his abdomen.  
If only I had held him longer, as he cried.

If only...  
If only...

There were so many things I could've done differently. So many things I could've done to save him. So many ways this could've been prevented. So many things that could've been done to save my aching heart.

If only the blood hadn't flowed like a river from the wound, red as his suit, and even more so.  
If only there wasn't so much of that bright, warm liquid, running through my fingers as I pressed down on the multiple wounds.  
If only the sound of fighting hadn't drowned out my cries for help.  
(If only my cries were just for him, not for myself.)

If only those bright amber eyes hadn't been filled with such pain.  
If only those (too pale) cheeks hadn't been streaked with shocked (and frightened) tears.  
If only his body hadn't trembled and shuddered so much.  
If only he hadn't pleaded with me,  
"Please."

If only I hadn't promised him everything would be alright.  
If only I hadn't lied to him when I knew what was about to happen.  
If only I hadn't let him slip through my fingers in the first place.  
If only I had controlled him, controlled the flames, as the earth does its fire.

If only my name was just Cole Brookstone, not master of earth, or the black ninja. Maybe then I wouldn't have been forced to carry my best friend from the battlefield, dripping blood from a stump and his core.

If only.

If only this hospital waiting room wasn't so dang white.  
If only Jay would break this unrelenting silence.  
If only that impossible battle hadn't even occurred.  
If only that fire sword had never been swung.

If only I wasn't forced to sit here - waiting - not knowing if he (Kai) was alive.


End file.
